Saturday, December 21, 2002
( 12/21/2002 12:17:00 AM ) sabina
i want my mum.
i want to be home now
i want my mum to look after me.
i want to give it up for a few days.
i want her to tell my how it is,
i want to not make decisions now,
i want to lay it all down.
i want to just be myself.
i don't want to be judged on that.
i want someone who is biologically compelled.
i want someone who sees me in a different light,
I want someone else to prepare the food.
i want someone else to look after the day to day.
does it just happen there,
I thought so,
and why is it so hard here,
just to live.
I am exhausted by choices.
I want someone to explain me for me.
I want my mum.
I want someone to look after me,
I am twenty eight,
I can foresee my mothers death,
what the hell will I do then. #
Friday, December 20, 2002
( 12/20/2002 10:54:00 PM ) sabina
its very late.
i probably shouldn't be posting now.
any yet, maybe, this is as honest as you'll find me.
its much easier to write in a notebook drunk than it is to type.
i'm at home now (as you may have guessed)
he's out. they would have got off the boat at 11pm and now its 11.50pm.
i don't expect him until 3.
i just wish that i knew that he wasn't doing anything stupid.
i wish that i knew that he wasn't in a jail cell.
i wish that i knew that he wouldn't do something to put him there.
i know that he might,
i can't believe that i am living with someone who i describe like that.
i don't want to change him/save him
what does that mean.,,
its a simple equation on the surface,
as a sideline i need to add that i love my friends and that i just had an excellent time with BJM>
I also just found a tomato on our tomato bush that has been eaten out by something... there was a cricket sitting on it when I found it but I don't think they are notorious for eating tomatoes, and another green thing with a diamond shaped green back that looked much more suspicious....
tonight I gave BJM some herb oil and some bottled tomatoes.
I hope they are yummy.
SD said that the chutney was excellent and that I should sell it,
Prophetic, I hope.
I hope he has a good night tonight,
I hope that, tomorrow, he does not regret tonight. #
Thursday, December 19, 2002
( 12/19/2002 09:53:00 PM ) sabina
my life has changed so much in the past 12 months.
its overwhelming at times.
sometimes I'm regretful for what I had before all this,
i'd never give it up, don't get me wrong.
i love what i have now,
but its hard sometimes....
and i'm not always good at getting it right.
when it was just me, i got it right much more of the time.
there is a good friend of mine, who I love dearly, but I tell people, 'its all about her... she is one of the most self-centred people I know'
and then i get regretful, and I wonder if, perhaps, I am the most self centred person I know.
buts its my life.
and that, at least, has to be about me.
mostly at least.
i know i get it wrong a lot.
or not quite right anyway.
competing forces. I never had them like this before, and the reason for them is him.
and I love him,
but I have never, and still don't enjoy the competition of my life with him and my other life. #
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
( 12/17/2002 01:13:00 PM ) sabina
people hassle me about not going out on weeknights much anymore.
i used to do it alot, and now i have no idea how i managed it.
far from the productive soul that i was yesterday, i've done about a minutes worth of work today... and in about an hour i'm going to give myself an enormous early mark from work to go get my hair cut.
i allowed myself to give myself this enormous early mark by promising that i'd work like a madwoman beforehand (including getting in nice and early). neither of those things have happened, and i'm still going.
its beer's fault.
on the up side, it was great to catch up with everyone again. i do love hanging out with them and don't get to do it much these days (mostly because it always involves lots and lots of beer). and although last night i was thinking that i really should do it more often, today I definitely think that my involvement in these get togethers will definitely be a once-in-a-while kind of thang.
i find it very frustrating being as scattered as i am today, i've grown to like productive me quite a bit, can't believe i used to be like this so much of the time before.
anyway. had better try and squeeze an hour of work in today. better take some home tonight as well and make a bit of an effort.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
( 12/11/2002 11:49:00 AM ) sabina
i think its also probably rude that i don't bother to proof before i hit that post & publish button.
and then again, its probably rude that i even use a post & publish button.
eh. that could be *another* new years resolution.....
( 12/11/2002 11:47:00 AM ) sabina
work, work, work.
apparently, for a number of reasons, its important to take a break from work every half hour or so,
this is not something that I deliberately do,
however I find my day divided into chunks of super productive -> super procrastinate -> super productive -> super procrastinate.
think its just the way my brain works.
i used to feel guilty about the super procrastinate part.
(admittedly, i used to let that part blow way out of proportion)
now i don't feel so guilty, i just go with the flow.
like house cleaning.
just can't do it during the week, but can clean like nothing else for a couple of hours on the weekend.
the boy is less impress ;)
sometimes i think that its almost rude of me to make so little attempt to make this writing engaging.
perhaps that will be a new years resolution.
its nearly that time already again. #
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
( 12/10/2002 03:13:00 PM ) sabina
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."